Actions Speak Louder Than Sticker Charts
It wasn't the first time, and it certainly won't be the last. And it wasn't even late in the day!
We were reading, she in my lap, a small toy fish in hers. By small, I mean it was slightly larger than a fingernail; she loves tiny things. This is the same fish that she accidentally broke by pulling of its tail yesterday. I glued it back in place (rather messily; it is tiny, after all) and today, while reading, she tore it in two once again.
Exasperated, I sighed, taking it from her and setting it on the table. "Didn't I just fix this?"
"I'm sorry," she pouted, and she was. "I didn't mean to do it." And she didn't. I saw her absently pull at the little tail, wholly absorbed in the story we were reading, before it came off, and it had been loose already because of my own crappy glue job.
"I know," I told her, hugging her. "We have to be careful with our things."
She nodded and asked, "Do you still love me?"
Whoa! Where the heck did that come from? I hadn't said I didn't love her! In fact, I say it so many times a day sometimes I wonder if it's lost meaning to her. Sometimes she replies back, "I know, Mommy!" Usually she says, very warmly, "I love you, too." But she's never questioned my love for her (that I've noticed); at least, not until now.
"Of course!" I said after my shock started to wear off. "I will always love you, no matter what."
She smiled at me and we talked about gluing the fish back together again (though I'm not sure that will work!) and we went back to our reading. Though she quickly moved on, as four-year-olds are wont to do, it left me pondering throughout the day about how my daughter sees me and interprets my love for her.
She's just begun to use the potty full-time, which took a long time for her to do. Inundated with different pieces of advice, charts, books, and countless other sources--most of which we should have ignored--we chose to try the sticker chart and to get super excited when she used the potty. No dice. Not much else worked, either.
What ended up working for her was simply offering panties for her to wear instead, which she took to immediately. Now she enjoys using the potty, though we're still working on how to wipe, wash our hands better, that sort of thing.
But here's the thing: she always wants me to see her pee and poop. She gets excited and immediately asks me to see it. Why? Because I exclaimed over it every single time she went like we'd just won the lottery and she wants me to keep doing it.
It's been about a month now since she's been using the potty full-time and I'm not sure what to do. When I don't come to gush over the toilet, she looks so dejected and I feel like a monster. But when I do, I know I'm enforcing her need for my approval, which isn't necessarily a good thing.
And that extends to other areas of life, too. When we're smiling and having a good time, I've noticed that she remarks, "You're really happy, Mommy!" And when I'm not smiling, in deep thought over the budget or mopping the floor, she asks, "Mommy, are you not happy?" And she does this with such concern on her face, so serious, like it's a matter of life and death. She then proceeds to try to make me smile by doing a silly dance or another one of her antics.
She's only four! How on Earth did I mess her up so badly already to where she has to make me happy in order to be happy herself?
More importantly, how do I undo this? I hear all the time about how children naturally want to please their parents, and it really flatters the human part of me that she puts so much value into my happiness. That said, the mother part of me is horrified, wanting her to do things because she wants to do them and not because I do, and certainly wanting her to develop into her own person and not who she thinks I want her to be.
So far, all I've been able to do is ask questions. "Well, what do you think? What do you want to do? Why do you think so?" I'm also reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting
, hoping to find some help.
The thing is, we can adopt our own ideals and know what we want for our kids down to the letter, but when it comes to acting on those ideals in everyday situations--particularly the ones we really didn't anticipate--it's a whole different ballgame. Say you want your child to be independent, for example. That's a good thing; it's our job to prepare them to leave us (just don't tell me that I said that, or I'll tear up). But when you're having a difficult day, say, getting your child to eat or get dressed or brush his or her teeth, "independence" can be the last thing on your mind.
I suppose it's just like anything else in your life: you do it one day at a time. Can I foster independence this next hour? I think I can manage that. How about the hour after that? Well, sure. But I'll wait to worry about tomorrow...until tomorrow.
And in the meantime, I'll keep repeating "I love you," maybe have a talk about different kinds of happiness (not to mention that it's okay to not be happy sometimes), and keep wondering about whether to gush over the pee or not.
Any ideas?
Posted in Parenting on Mar 04, 2010 - 01:45 AM
Today my daughter broke my heart.It wasn't the first time, and it certainly won't be the last. And it wasn't even late in the day!
We were reading, she in my lap, a small toy fish in hers. By small, I mean it was slightly larger than a fingernail; she loves tiny things. This is the same fish that she accidentally broke by pulling of its tail yesterday. I glued it back in place (rather messily; it is tiny, after all) and today, while reading, she tore it in two once again.
Exasperated, I sighed, taking it from her and setting it on the table. "Didn't I just fix this?"
"I'm sorry," she pouted, and she was. "I didn't mean to do it." And she didn't. I saw her absently pull at the little tail, wholly absorbed in the story we were reading, before it came off, and it had been loose already because of my own crappy glue job.
"I know," I told her, hugging her. "We have to be careful with our things."
She nodded and asked, "Do you still love me?"
Whoa! Where the heck did that come from? I hadn't said I didn't love her! In fact, I say it so many times a day sometimes I wonder if it's lost meaning to her. Sometimes she replies back, "I know, Mommy!" Usually she says, very warmly, "I love you, too." But she's never questioned my love for her (that I've noticed); at least, not until now.
"Of course!" I said after my shock started to wear off. "I will always love you, no matter what."
She smiled at me and we talked about gluing the fish back together again (though I'm not sure that will work!) and we went back to our reading. Though she quickly moved on, as four-year-olds are wont to do, it left me pondering throughout the day about how my daughter sees me and interprets my love for her.
She's just begun to use the potty full-time, which took a long time for her to do. Inundated with different pieces of advice, charts, books, and countless other sources--most of which we should have ignored--we chose to try the sticker chart and to get super excited when she used the potty. No dice. Not much else worked, either.
What ended up working for her was simply offering panties for her to wear instead, which she took to immediately. Now she enjoys using the potty, though we're still working on how to wipe, wash our hands better, that sort of thing.
But here's the thing: she always wants me to see her pee and poop. She gets excited and immediately asks me to see it. Why? Because I exclaimed over it every single time she went like we'd just won the lottery and she wants me to keep doing it.
It's been about a month now since she's been using the potty full-time and I'm not sure what to do. When I don't come to gush over the toilet, she looks so dejected and I feel like a monster. But when I do, I know I'm enforcing her need for my approval, which isn't necessarily a good thing.
And that extends to other areas of life, too. When we're smiling and having a good time, I've noticed that she remarks, "You're really happy, Mommy!" And when I'm not smiling, in deep thought over the budget or mopping the floor, she asks, "Mommy, are you not happy?" And she does this with such concern on her face, so serious, like it's a matter of life and death. She then proceeds to try to make me smile by doing a silly dance or another one of her antics.
She's only four! How on Earth did I mess her up so badly already to where she has to make me happy in order to be happy herself?
More importantly, how do I undo this? I hear all the time about how children naturally want to please their parents, and it really flatters the human part of me that she puts so much value into my happiness. That said, the mother part of me is horrified, wanting her to do things because she wants to do them and not because I do, and certainly wanting her to develop into her own person and not who she thinks I want her to be.
So far, all I've been able to do is ask questions. "Well, what do you think? What do you want to do? Why do you think so?" I'm also reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting
, hoping to find some help. The thing is, we can adopt our own ideals and know what we want for our kids down to the letter, but when it comes to acting on those ideals in everyday situations--particularly the ones we really didn't anticipate--it's a whole different ballgame. Say you want your child to be independent, for example. That's a good thing; it's our job to prepare them to leave us (just don't tell me that I said that, or I'll tear up). But when you're having a difficult day, say, getting your child to eat or get dressed or brush his or her teeth, "independence" can be the last thing on your mind.
I suppose it's just like anything else in your life: you do it one day at a time. Can I foster independence this next hour? I think I can manage that. How about the hour after that? Well, sure. But I'll wait to worry about tomorrow...until tomorrow.
And in the meantime, I'll keep repeating "I love you," maybe have a talk about different kinds of happiness (not to mention that it's okay to not be happy sometimes), and keep wondering about whether to gush over the pee or not.
Any ideas?
Tags for this entry:
early childhood,
parent involvement,
childhood,
love,
unconditional parenting,
potty training
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