Posted in DemEd in Real LifeParenting on Nov 18, 2009 - 02:46 PM
Falling in love, finding that perfect line to finish your poem, stepping in to break up a fight -- some of the most valuable and rewarding things in life simply cannot be done by following a plan. And so goes parenting. And so goes democratic education at home. And so, now that I think about it, goes a life worth living.I envision my life with my wife and 2 sons as an exercise in liberation, for all of us. As my wife and I attempt to liberate ourselves from some of the less-than-helpful cultural habits of parenting (maintaining control and power at all costs, or needing to be “right” all the time), we are hopefully liberating our children. We're allowing them to maintain their dignity and freedom but, more importantly, we are giving them ours.
What I mean by that is this: As parents, the equanimity, authenticity, and intentionality we embody in our daily lives are gifts to our children. Perhaps more important than any words to the wise or overt acts of education. And so I don't give the impression that I think I have it all figured out, I should add that these are gifts that both my wife and I struggle mightily (and falteringly) to give. I think we find it difficult because really sharing power with young people, actually relinquishing some control, and putting a higher premium on honesty than authority runs counter to the paradigm. Without many obvious living role models to follow, self-doubt, fear of failure, and a nagging feeling of being in full motion “without running lights” can create some serious internal resistance.
As I make my way through parenthood, I'm more and more aware that my control over my kids' day-to-day lives and the future results of my fathering are not only mostly symbolic but that these outcomes, in many ways, are simply none of my business. My children are eyeballs deep in their own business, in the sphere of which I am simply endeavoring to have a nurturing and life-affirming effect.
While I am certainly a reliable teacher, protector and provider for my sons, I'm finding that being truly committing to their curiosity, creativity, and intelligence often means I should let them be as lost and out of control as they require in order to find their own way. I need to let them make lots of bad decisions, waste lots of art materials, abandon carpentry projects, or holler at each other until they're hoarse, all without intervening. And, in the spirit of authenticity and compassion, there are times when I must admit to them when I too am lost and out of control. After all, we are in this together, facing down our limitations, celebrating our beauty, and trying to figure out what might be next.
I'm starting to enjoy how it feels to admit to my children that I was wrong to have raised my voice, or to have given unreasonable consequences. I'm beginning to like not knowing the answer to a question, or not having any idea what should happen next when we are working on a hanging a tire swing. These are the moments when we are truly moving through the world together, standing on the same plane, seeing each other as we are. I can't help but believe that this is an elemental prerequisite for real intimacy, real trust, and real learning.
Tags for this entry:
power,
control,
creativity,
curiosity,
compassion,
trust,
experimenting,
humility,
uncertainty,
authenticity
Comments
Nov 23, 2009 - 10:37 PM
All I can is…. right on!
Especially the part about apologizing, giving up control for something more profound and healing, and a group “exercise in liberation.”
It is all uncharted territory, and it can be challenging to find my way (or as I like to say “the path to peace is filled with potholes and I lose my way a lot”), but I’m realizing that the most important thing is being on the path at all.
Blessings,
Stacy
http://mama-om.blogspot.com
Nov 24, 2009 - 04:55 PM
Thanks for your comments, Stacy and Melia.
I often refer to Kirshnamurti’s well-known aphorism: Truth is a pathless land.
I suspect that I am closer to being in a state of truth if I feel totally absorbed in the process of parenting or relating to my children. Likewise I feel further and further away in those moments when I am compelled to assert my power needlessly, insist on a particular viewpoint as objectively true, or what have you.
As a parent, I aspire to be more supple of mind, ready to abandon any idea, habit or belief when more healthy, fecund, or transformative options present themselves.
Nov 24, 2009 - 05:40 PM
I used to think that before I had kids, I’d have to read book after book—John Holt, A.S. Neill, Alfie Kohn—so I’d know what to do in any given situation. After talking with folks who believe in uncharted parenting, I’ve realized that the best thing to do is refine my intuition. Books may be guideposts, but I’ll be the best judge of what approach to take with my own child. Unique child, unique situation—and I may need to use my best guess.
In fact, I think that teacher and parent instruction should focus on helping people get attuned to their instincts. This will serve them a lot better than being wedded to a certain ideology or practice.
Feb 13, 2010 - 03:25 AM
I love this post. Everything from the beauty of making mistakes to your children’s outcomes being their business to the importance of sharing household power all resonate within me. This line in particular simply sums up my daily life, I think, “We’re allowing them to maintain their dignity and freedom but, more importantly, we are giving them ours.”
Melia Dicker
Nov 18, 2009 - 07:25 PM
I love the part about letting your kids stumble a bit, “waste lots of art materials,” and so on. At a workshop I attended at IDEC 08, one of the parents said that when her son forgets his lunch at school, she lets him fend for himself instead of coming to his rescue and dropping it off. This never would have occurred to me. But letting him face natural consequences allowed him to figure out his own solution—go hungry? borrow money? ask a friend to feed him for the day? It let him practice resourcefulness, and it taught him to remember to bring his lunch the next day. Sometimes parents just need to let their kids fall and learn to pick themselves back up.
When adults admit their own mistakes to children, it teaches them that grown-ups are still learning, too. I had been under the impression as a child that adults knew all the answers, so when I became an adult myself, I was shocked to realize that I still didn’t have life figured out. Seeing adults cope with their mistakes and flaws allows kids to accept their own.