Posted in DemEd in Real LifeParenting on Dec 17, 2009 - 05:10 PM
I'm not a parent. My heart goes out to all of you who are, and I am at a point in my life where I can greatly (albeit not completely) appreciate the tough job you all have. To my own parents, thank you. I know you did your best.However, as I have been diving deeper into the world of democratic education and childrearing, I'm coming to realize that Mom and Dad, as well as many moms and dads out there, did exactly the opposite of what many of these books and articles tell you to do. Of course, such critical analysis of Mom and Dad inevitably leads to the same of oneself. I found myself better understanding why I was the way I was, and also asking, how do I picture raising my own children someday?
I started reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. I have yet to finish it, but I read through enough chapters to get a general sense of his ideas. According to Kohn, punishments and rewards do little to change behavior in a meaningful manner. Both are short-sighted means used to control children. Although the child may do what is needed to avoid the punishment or obtain the reward, they are not motivated to change their actual behavior because of deeper understanding or purpose. In the absence of said punishment or reward, behavior remains the same.
Instead, parents must learn to listen to what their children are saying or understand their behavior, and then proceed to explain the difference between right and wrong in a logical and kind manner. Further, Kohn claims that consequences (an euphemism for punishment) erode the parent-child relationship because the parent is perceived by the child as someone who restricts or hurts to get the child to do what the parent wants.
Although what Kohn was saying made sense to me, I started to wonder, "Well, then, what do I do to teach my kids right from wrong? Don't they need consequences?" I started to search through his book, somewhat frantically. The best answer I found (so far) was the following:
“As Thomas Gordon pointed out, ‘The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control [your] kids when they are young is that [you] never learn how to influence. The more you rely on punishment, therefore, the less real influence you'll have on their lives.”
I slept on that answer, and thought about it the next day. I began to realize certain things. Doesn't that influence take time? I started to think about those kids that you stare at family barbecues or at religious services. We all know them, the ones that run crazily, spill stuff, scream, grab the mic and yell into it, flick the light switch on and off. I remember in college (mind you, this was at a school where people are so tightly wound, you would have a hard time getting a thread loose with a knife) my friends and I would sometimes get into conversation about those kids. “We were so well-behaved. We did what our parents told us. These parents need to have more control over their kids.” These parents. Those kids.
I started to understand that our culture and society, nationally and globally, collectively and individually, places a lot of pressure on parents to ensure their kids are well-behaved. Because we all know that a kid running around, making noise, making a mess -- essentially being a kid -- is indicative of bad parenting? The rhetoric and culture that surrounds us makes it uncomfortable for parents to parent ideally, and for kids to be kids.
On a deeper level, our parenting speaks to how central the concept of control has become to our lives. The type of parenting that Kohn calls for leaves a lot of room for the child to develop his or her own agency, and make his or her own decisions. This is both refreshing and scary. Kohn calls on parents to develop a relationship with their children parallel to a partnership, and to trust that this will enable each child to realize their best and most complete selves. In the meantime, parents may have to allow some tantrums, juice spills, and screams in the process, and wait patiently for the fruits of allowing such freedom.
Parents, my heart goes out to you. Mom and Dad, I love you.
Tags for this entry:
control,
alfie kohn,
partnership,
trust,
character education,
ethics,
thomas gordon
comments
Thanks Melia for your comment. I completely agree with you, and you summed it up well. Actually, I realized I didn’t clarify that unparenting doesn’t mean *not parenting.* We have to teach our kids as best as we can, but in the end, we shouldn’t try to control their every move.
Parents may feel without punishments and rewards, their kids would turn into the one you saw at the coffee shop, or the ones I often see at large family get-togethers. However, we have to trust with proper communication (as opposed to rewarding and punishing) our children will behave nicely for the right reasons.
on Dec 19, 2009 - 12:13 AM
Great post, Tanya. You hit the nail on the head. I constantly feel pressured to keep my daughter, who is four and very “spirited”—her preschool teacher had commented that she is “willful” under negative comments—under tight control. And it’s such a torn feeling; yes, you are embarrassed when she crawls under the hospital chair and wants to play peek-a-boo, but not because of her—because of the evil glares from other parents! She’s actually quite cute, and if the room were empty, I know I’d be in the floor with her, germs be damned.
So what do you do? In my case, it’s get eye-level (so I’m in the floor anyway!) and say cheerfully, “Do you think we should leave this chair open in case someone else needs it?” Of course she nods, but even if she disagreed, I’d distract her with, “How about we go read this cool book together?” Yes, it’s deceptive, but it’s not screaming, “Get up out of the floor or you’ll get six time-outs!”
on Dec 21, 2009 - 03:27 AM
I notice children understand more and deeper than we think they do, it is just that we speak a different language. I often wonder at what moment in life we cross the “childhood threshold” and change; loosing that simple and happy vision of life, thus, stop understanding each other (kids & adults).
on Dec 21, 2009 - 03:56 PM
Thank you Sara and Marilu for your comments. Sara, I have heard other parents echo your sentiments. I really like the approach that you do take; her nodding is an acknowledgement that at her age, she’s already forming concepts of right and wrong, which will empower her to make the right decisions in the future.
Marilu, I agree. We sometimes unfortunately underestimate children and their capacity for understanding. Sometimes all that children are seeking is empathy. The age difference between children and adults shouldn’t prevent adults from sympathizing with the very normal struggles that kids complain about (i.e. feeling hungry, sad, disappointed about not getting your way, etc.).
on Dec 22, 2009 - 11:01 PM
Oh, I know *those* kids you’re talking about. There was one in the coffee shop where I was working the other day who was stomping up and down the stairs and yelling, and I wondered what in the world his parents could be thinking. It’s their job to help him understand how to exercise his freedom without stepping on other people’s.
I love the idea of developing authentic influence over kids rather than trying to maintain control. Adults have a natural influence over kids, because they can navigate the world more easily, have more experience, and more legal rights. I think that young people respect that influence when adults respect them, model skillful behavior, and include them in decisions.
We don’t really have control of other people anyway, even our kids, so why pretend that we do?
on Dec 17, 2009 - 06:49 PM