Lost and Out of Control. . . At Last.

Posted in DemEd in Real LifeParenting on Nov 18, 2009 - 02:46 PM

Falling in love, finding that perfect line to finish your poem, stepping in to break up a fight -- some of the most valuable and rewarding things in life simply cannot be done by following a plan. And so goes parenting. And so goes democratic education at home. And so, now that I think about it, goes a life worth living.

I envision my life with my wife and 2 sons as an exercise in liberation, for all of us. As my wife and I attempt to liberate ourselves from some of the less-than-helpful cultural habits of parenting (maintaining control and power at all costs, or needing to be “right” all the time), we are hopefully liberating our children. We're allowing them to maintain their dignity and freedom but, more importantly, we are giving them ours.

What I mean by that is this: As parents, the equanimity, authenticity, and intentionality we embody in our daily lives are gifts to our children. Perhaps more important than any words to the wise or overt acts of education. And so I don't give the impression that I think I have it all figured out, I should add that these are gifts that both my wife and I struggle mightily (and falteringly) to give. I think we find it difficult because really sharing power with young people, actually relinquishing some control, and putting a higher premium on honesty than authority runs counter to the paradigm. Without many obvious living role models to follow, self-doubt, fear of failure, and a nagging feeling of being in full motion “without running lights” can create some serious internal resistance.

As I make my way through parenthood, I'm more and more aware that my control over my kids' day-to-day lives and the future results of my fathering are not only mostly symbolic but that these outcomes, in many ways, are simply none of my business. My children are eyeballs deep in their own business, in the sphere of which I am simply endeavoring to have a nurturing and life-affirming effect.

While I am certainly a reliable teacher, protector and provider for my sons, I'm finding that being truly committing to their curiosity, creativity, and intelligence often means I should let them be as lost and out of control as they require in order to find their own way. I need to let them make lots of bad decisions, waste lots of art materials, abandon carpentry projects, or holler at each other until they're hoarse, all without intervening. And, in the spirit of authenticity and compassion, there are times when I must admit to them when I too am lost and out of control. After all, we are in this together, facing down our limitations, celebrating our beauty, and trying to figure out what might be next.

I'm starting to enjoy how it feels to admit to my children that I was wrong to have raised my voice, or to have given unreasonable consequences. I'm beginning to like not knowing the answer to a question, or not having any idea what should happen next when we are working on a hanging a tire swing. These are the moments when we are truly moving through the world together, standing on the same plane, seeing each other as we are. I can't help but believe that this is an elemental prerequisite for real intimacy, real trust, and real learning.

Tags for this entry:
power, control, creativity, curiosity, compassion, trust, experimenting, humility, uncertainty, authenticity

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