They want to be just like me.  Great!  Now what?

Posted in DemEd in Real LifeParentingTeaching on Feb 11, 2010 - 03:42 PM

Many of us who strive to nourish democracy in our society and strive tirelessly for equality, justice, peace and compassion have a break down in execution when it comes to our own home life. It's very easy for even the most mindful, progressive parents to replicate systems, dynamics, and roles we experienced in childhood, rather than the ones we aspire to create in our adult lives. Most of us working for in progressive education or for progressive causes didn't come from that experiential background.

Our young children don't have access to our intellectual sensibilities or our academic pursuits regarding education, democracy, sustainability, or anything else. And they could care less. What they do have is us. Just us. As people. And we are, to these brave new souls, merely the sum of our actions and demonstrable attitudes. To create a nurturing household that reflects the society we dream of requires more than the mental gymnastics that have supported our studies, writing, lecturing, and professions. It requires the sort of personal transformation that reflects outwardly in our daily personhood. And there is nothing like our children's developmental predisposition toward adult emulation to point out how far we've come, or how far we have yet to travel.

My oldest son is in his 6th year of life. I'm flattered when he chooses his clothes to match mine or adopts one of my signature phrases as his own. I can feel the powerful inheritance of skill and wisdom when I notice that he holds his carving knife just as I do or he moves a spider to a safe place while his friends run away or try to stomp on it. But I feel dread when I see him get short-tempered too easily with his little brother, or raises his voice unnecessarily when he wants us to know he's angry, characteristics of mine that I often don't even know I have. It's these little reflections that make me realize I've been a role model who's asleep at the wheel.

So how do I avoid even these decidedly minor parenting foibles when by the time I realize I'm not being a not-so-great example of a balanced, mature, thoughtful man, he's already trying it on for size? Talk about needing to bring your A-game!

And so, I turn my game around. I try to focus less on what my children are or are not doing. I scrutinize them less and less, love them more and more deeply, as I dig deeper in my attempt to BE who I hope they can be.

Will my boys become warriors of peace, democracy, and joy? Wrong question. What have I still to become?

Tags for this entry:
role modeling, mistakes, maturity

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