Thoughts on Parenting from an Unparent

Posted in DemEd in Real LifeParenting on Dec 17, 2009 - 05:10 PM

I'm not a parent. My heart goes out to all of you who are, and I am at a point in my life where I can greatly (albeit not completely) appreciate the tough job you all have. To my own parents, thank you. I know you did your best.

However, as I have been diving deeper into the world of democratic education and childrearing, I'm coming to realize that Mom and Dad, as well as many moms and dads out there, did exactly the opposite of what many of these books and articles tell you to do. Of course, such critical analysis of Mom and Dad inevitably leads to the same of oneself. I found myself better understanding why I was the way I was, and also asking, how do I picture raising my own children someday?

I started reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. I have yet to finish it, but I read through enough chapters to get a general sense of his ideas. According to Kohn, punishments and rewards do little to change behavior in a meaningful manner. Both are short-sighted means used to control children. Although the child may do what is needed to avoid the punishment or obtain the reward, they are not motivated to change their actual behavior because of deeper understanding or purpose. In the absence of said punishment or reward, behavior remains the same.

Instead, parents must learn to listen to what their children are saying or understand their behavior, and then proceed to explain the difference between right and wrong in a logical and kind manner. Further, Kohn claims that consequences (an euphemism for punishment) erode the parent-child relationship because the parent is perceived by the child as someone who restricts or hurts to get the child to do what the parent wants.

Although what Kohn was saying made sense to me, I started to wonder, "Well, then, what do I do to teach my kids right from wrong? Don't they need consequences?" I started to search through his book, somewhat frantically. The best answer I found (so far) was the following:

“As Thomas Gordon pointed out, ‘The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control [your] kids when they are young is that [you] never learn how to influence. The more you rely on punishment, therefore, the less real influence you'll have on their lives.”

I slept on that answer, and thought about it the next day. I began to realize certain things. Doesn't that influence take time? I started to think about those kids that you stare at family barbecues or at religious services. We all know them, the ones that run crazily, spill stuff, scream, grab the mic and yell into it, flick the light switch on and off. I remember in college (mind you, this was at a school where people are so tightly wound, you would have a hard time getting a thread loose with a knife) my friends and I would sometimes get into conversation about those kids. “We were so well-behaved. We did what our parents told us. These parents need to have more control over their kids.” These parents. Those kids.

I started to understand that our culture and society, nationally and globally, collectively and individually, places a lot of pressure on parents to ensure their kids are well-behaved. Because we all know that a kid running around, making noise, making a mess -- essentially being a kid -- is indicative of bad parenting? The rhetoric and culture that surrounds us makes it uncomfortable for parents to parent ideally, and for kids to be kids.

On a deeper level, our parenting speaks to how central the concept of control has become to our lives. The type of parenting that Kohn calls for leaves a lot of room for the child to develop his or her own agency, and make his or her own decisions. This is both refreshing and scary. Kohn calls on parents to develop a relationship with their children parallel to a partnership, and to trust that this will enable each child to realize their best and most complete selves. In the meantime, parents may have to allow some tantrums, juice spills, and screams in the process, and wait patiently for the fruits of allowing such freedom.

Parents, my heart goes out to you. Mom and Dad, I love you.

Tags for this entry:
control, alfie kohn, partnership, trust, ethics, character education, thomas gordon

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